Drake running through my mind with this in my pocket? chea.
(Source: thoughtlessramblings, via highgradelove)
I Slept with my ex boyfriend
I think partly because I’m lonely. Just before I moved, no more than two weeks, I met the sexiest girl at yoga. It was one of those we-both-caught-each-other-staring in the dressing rooms and I smiled at her and introduced myself. I don’t know what I was on, I guess a sweat-induced high, but normally I would have been suffocated by the increasing pressure in my chest. My voice usually catches on itself, I stumble over my unattractive words, but something came over me. Alex mentioned that I do that sometimes, a sort of mind over body thing. Anyway, we got juice, then we got lunch then we kissed then we had sex in my car and every day afterward (not in my car, though) until I moved. It was purely hot. Hotter than when Sam and I first discovered each other.
Then I moved. Tommy happened to be in town; my aunt and uncle (with whom I’m living until I get completely settled in Minneapoils) were out of town. Right before they left, they were asking me about my opinions of gay rights and gay marriage as a straight woman. My aunt tried to compassionately say that “their lives must be so hard. To think that they don’t feel comfortable enough to tell their family and close friends must be devastating.” I became consciously aware of my stupid smirk and thought to myself “it ain’t that devastating, lady.”
But, I think it definitely is to a certain extent, right? If you are to consider the fact that I willingly slept with an unpleasant fling just to have some factual evidence to back me up in the case that someone found out my secret and accused me of my undying love for women.
But only if you consider it.
Julia Possessed It
The name of this blog is an interesting one. My story will come later; until then: “Julia Possessed It” refers to Virginia Woolf’s typescript version of A Haunted House. In it she originally wrote:
Julia blazed. Julia kindled. Out of the night she burnt like a dead white star. Julia opened her arms. Julia kissed her on the lips. Julia possessed it.
Of course, the revised version that appeared in Forum read:
She saw Julia open her arms; saw her blaze, saw her kindle. Out of the night she burnt like a dead white star. Julia kissed her. Julia possessed it.
Attention hasn’t been paid to the slight differences in the passages aside from the common remark that Leonard made editorial mistakes. But I think much more is at play. More importantly, I thought of this very passage when I first kissed Sam, my first love.
What’s interesting to me is that in both scenarios, “Julia possessed it.” What “it” is, however, is entirely up to interpretation. For me, Julia, or Sam, possessed the key to truth. Truth regarding the self and also Truth regarding the world. There was an end to that constant search of desire and love for me in Sam’s possession.
Now, I’m moving. I’m moving to Minneapolis, Minnesota to embark on this new life. I have the opportunity to create my surroundings in a way conducive to include the women I fall in love with. As of now, I’ve come out to a few friends and family members, but for the most part, I’m staying closeted. The world is unfair, and yet, all humans desire the same thing: to love and be loved. Why that would be a total and utter embarrassment for my friend and family throw me through a loop. Why don’t they want for me what I want for them. This, of course, will be continued.
